Amber's How-to Guide to Sticky Wal-Mart Situations

We all run into those sticky situations at Wal-Mart and find ourselves at a loss for what to do. Well, you need not fear anymore. I, Amber, am here today to share with you some fool-proof solutions to those day-to-day dilemmas we encounter in the world of Wal.

Situation: Someone bolts out of an aisle without looking to see if anyone is coming and nearly knocks you over.
Solution: This person is obviously in the mood for a good game of bumper cars, er ...I mean bumper "carts". Catch up with this individual, who is no doubt using Wal-Mart as a means to both shop AND get their cardio workout in through power walking. When you finally catch up to him/her, give their cart a good smack with your cart and say, "Ok, now your it!" and RUN!!!

Situation: Two individuals (typically women) are having a gab fest in the middle of the aisle, and there is no getting around them:
Solution: This takes some preparation, but it will be well worth your time. Before leaving to go to Wal-Mart, type up some flyers that read "Attention: Today's Gabbers Anonymous meeting has been moved to aisle 14. Sorry for any inconvenience." Upon entering an aisle with such gabbers, approach the individuals in a no-nonsense manner; greet them in a professional, "Good afternoon, ladies"; and hand them your prepared flyer.

Situation: Some inconsiderate person in front of you is in the express lane and obviously has more than the 10 item limit.
Solution: Tap that person on the shoulder, smile your sweetest smile, and say, "And which of those 10 items do you plan on purchasing today?"

Situation: You park your cart, containing a few items, at the end of a busy aisle so that you don't have to squeeze it through the mass of people. You grab what you need, then return to your cart only to find that someone stole it.
Solution: If this is something that happens to you from time to time, try this little trick. Bring along a twisty tie like you see on a loaf of bread and tie it to your cart in an inconspicuous spot (but a spot that is still noticeable to you). If your cart goes missing, it's time to play detective. Walk the aisles until you find your cart with the twisty tie on it. Once you spot it, make your best police siren impression and call out, "Step away from the cart! I repeat, step away from the cart!" Write them a ticket (a post-it note you can smack on their forehead is quite effective), and then begin unloading the cart, placing as much of its contents as possible in the thief's arms.